My Poor Husband...

Maya and I were just talking about my inability to take pain medications (I don't recall how this came up) and how horrible it will be to have children. We imagined my husband's hand breaking as I scream profanities and blame him for my pain. And our conversation ended with a refrain that is repeated almost daily around here: "my poor husband..."

I can't wait to meet my husband - not because I want to start our life together but because I think this man must be a character. I used to tell my dad that I imagined myself getting married and divorced every five years because I would get bored, but that seems like a lot of effort (even if I do love weddings). Instead, I'm just going to have to throw caution to the wind and write a good prenup (I get paid if he cheats).

There is no doubt my husband will have to put up with a lot, and sometimes I feel bad for this figurative man. Since he deserves fair warning before marrying me, Maya and I have compiled a list of my insanity:

1. I'm sometimes a little irrational and cry for no reason at all. Periodically...
2. I may be a little high maintenance. (Joe would probably say a lot.)
3. He has to buy me a really large engagement ring (but as long as it's four carats, he can put it in a Tiffany's box and pretend it's not from Jared).
4. He gets limited input in our wedding plans. I'll narrow it down to three options so he can make the final choice, but I may have to edit his vows.
5. I watch about forty TV shows a week, so he'll definitely need a man cave if he doesn't want to keep up with the Kardashians.
6. I spend money like it grows on trees.
7. I like everything to be clean without cleaning it. 
8. I like eating good food without making it. 
9. I like taking nice vacations without planning them. 
10. I hate laundry.

It's a good thing I have so many good qualities, or his life would suck. Or more likely, I just wouldn't find anyone who could be convinced to marry me.

Maya and I are now sitting in our living room watching The Bachelorette, a show that I will definitely be playing for my man when he complains about my craziness. I thought my future husband had it bad, but this girl is so annoying. I can feel my brain melting...